As we collect to overindulge in honor of our most fraught of nationwide holidays, we’re right here to supply a special form of dish, a spherical up of what every zodiac sign brings — or doesn’t bring — to the desk.

We serve this beneficiant serving to of zodiac shade alongside the information that the true history and legacy of Thanksgiving continue to be dangerously and deliberately misrepresented and mythologized.

Let it’s mentioned, let it’s acknowledged and allow us to be higher. And now allow us to flip our consideration to the celebrities that govern us.

How do our zodiac indicators inform the form of vacation visitor/host/misanthrope we’re? Are we contemporary or frozen? Boxed wine or a very good bottle? From scratch or from retailer? Helpful or liable to trigger a construction fireplace?

This article pairs effectively with Thanksgiving 2022, teenage angst, avoiding your mother and this rundown of the zodiac signs as wine. Read on, dig in and drink up.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Scorched earth fried turkey  

Aries: scorched Earth turkey
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Aries, the fireplace starter of the zodiac can also be the most probably to insist on deep-frying a turkey. Predictably, they’ll fail to learn the directions or observe security protocol. Bad information: The home is engulfed in flames. Good information: The bone construction of the common Aries is stable sufficient to assist an absence of eyebrows. 

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Potatoes 

Taurus: potatoes
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Little identified reality: Inside the chest of each Taurus beats not a coronary heart however a Yukon Gold potato. The individuals of the bull will take your casseroles, your twice-baked, your mashed and your scalloped. Never the kind to let gluttony stand in the way in which of glamour, bulls will spend Thanksgiving stacking the starch from the consolation of a velvet tracksuit.  

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Spilled tea

Gemini: spilled tea
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Gemini will typically neglect to bring the facet dish they both burned or by no means deliberate to make, in order that they’re bringing nothing however scorching takes, unsolicited opinions, tangents, half-truths and divorce predictions to the dinner desk this yr.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Weed 

Cancer: weed
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Feelings are onerous, bro, and emotions plus household plus the crushing weight of ancestral trauma equals too heavy a burden for the crab people to bear with out a crutch. Practitioners of discreet however intensive self-care, you’ll discover Cancer within the upstairs bathtub, hotboxing and ugly-crying. Bless.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A digital camera

Power shot camera
AMAZON

Still sore that their Mom didn’t learn their weblog in highschool, Leo people are primed to bring the video digital camera to their household gathering. Leos will lean into recording the dinner desk dialog with plans to flip the dramatics and infighting right into a one-person off-Broadway play — starring, no drum roll obligatory, themselves. Validation or vengeance? Why select?

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Tupperware

Virgo: Tupperware, but they want it back
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Virgos will sometimes insist on internet hosting as a result of they know full effectively nobody else is succesful. They will faux to have enjoyable whereas secretly fantasizing in regards to the second everybody leaves and they’ll clear the kitchen and watch horrible actuality tv in sacred, spotless solitude.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Handwoven tablecloth 

Libra: handwoven tablecloth
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Ever-seeking to clean issues over or on the very least cowl them up when firm is coming, Libra hopes their providing and the intricate embroidery of the artisan tablecloth will distract from the plain proven fact that they’re self-medicating, disassociating and or hanging on by a thread. 

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Nothing 

Scorpio: nothing
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As the investigator and sudden ethical compass of the zodiac, Scorpio is likley to carefully object to celebrating a vacation that’s, in essence, a pumpkin-flavored commemoration of colonial genocide. Respect.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Mushroom sweets

Sagittarius: mushroom chocolates
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Maybe if we might all get just a little bizarre, we might all get alongside: That is the tenet of the terminally optimistic Sagittarius who is probably going to present up half-drunk with a handsome stranger on their arm and a deck of taking part in playing cards of their pocket. In phrases of familial archetypes, Sag is the cool uncle who brings a rambling story about his newest bout with malaria.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Macaroni and cheese

Capricorn: macaroni and cheese
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Capricorn will bring a pan of macaroni and cheese, as it’s cost-effective, utilitarian and refuses to pander to these weak sufficient to have food allergic reactions. The dairy-bound dish is emblematic of the sign itself — perpetually charged with maintaining all of it collectively. 

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Something horrible with lentils 

Aquarius: something terrible with lentils
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Galvanized by surrealist movies and Kim Kardashian’s professional vegan Instagram Stories, Aquarius, the uncontested cult chief of the zodiac, would possibly declare that meat is homicide and disgrace/shade anybody who reaches for a drumstick or seems to be longingly on the spiral ham. Keeping us aspirational water bearer, we recognize you.


Astrology 101: Your information to the celebrities


PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Boxed wine 

Pisces: boxed wine
Shutterstock

Pisces individuals invariably exhibits up late to Friendsgiving — and in yesterday’s garments. They smile and bop across the kitchen, asking if anybody wants assist and with zero intention of offering it. They shelve the boxed wine they introduced and open one thing costly that they didn’t. Stay cute.


Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently stories again on planetary configurations and their impact on every zodiac sign. Her horoscopes combine historical past, poetry, popular culture and private expertise. She can also be an completed author who has profiled a wide range of artists and performers, in addition to extensively chronicled her experiences whereas touring. Among the numerous intriguing matters she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “ladies information” to strip golf equipment and the “weirdest” meals out there overseas.

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